Monday, October 27, 2008

Fears Challenge

Tara has posted a challenge on her blog to blog about Fears, so here goes.


There are a lot of things I worry about --- bad storms, tornadoes, car accidents, money --- but they don't occupy my mind all the time. Then you have the things that I'm afraid of, which I only think about when they are actually right in front of me usually. 

I'm afraid of spiders -- Gary knows if I see one that he has to come running as soon as I scream. I lived in a house once that was infested with the grossest spiders -- they were huge and if you stepped on them they would make this crunch sound and KEEP WALKING!!!!!! Yuck!!!
I'm afraid of snakes -- doesn't matter what size they are, I see one, I'm running the other way. That was the worst part of growing up in the country, there were always snakes. And having two brothers didn't help. Oh I hope my children don't take an interest in snakes.
I'm afraid of heights -- anytime where there is the possibility that I could fall scares me -- ladders, trees, edge of a cliff. Strangely enough I'm not afraid of being in tall buildings like the CN tower (although I did keep my eyes closed on the way up), or airplanes, but put me on a ladder or stand me on a chair and I'm scared!!! Maybe it is because I have lousy balance and I'm always afraid I'll fall.
I'm afraid of tornadoes (see worry above) -- they are the one type of weather that can really get to me. Thunderstorms don't bother me. Snowstorms only bother me when I have to be out in them (or someone I love is). But as soon as I see the tornado watch or the tornado warning I get scared. I watch the sky to see if it looks funny. I wait for wind to change. I listen intently for animals. I saw what one could do up close and personal as a child. I came very close to losing people I loved -- if the tornado had zigged instead of zagged I would have. It was closer than I ever want to get again. I respect tornadoes, you have to respect something with that much power and the ability to destroy everything it touches in the blink of an eye - and I would be happy to stay out of their way for the rest of my life.

I'm not afraid of blood (love medical shows where you see the surgery) or scary movies (a lot are so fake they make me laugh) or wild animals (as long as they aren't charging me, but since I won't go to Africa or inside cages at the zoo I hope I am relatively safe in that respect).
But I do have a fear. I have a big fear. A fear bigger than anything else I've ever been afraid of. 

It's a health related fear.

My fear is that something will happen to someone I love very much or to myself that will tear our lives apart forever. I fear something horrible happening to one of my children's health, something that I can't fix with a bandaid and a kiss. I fear something happening to my husband's health, something that can't be healed or cured. I fear something happening to me that will take me away from my wonderful family. I fear leaving my husband without a wife and my children without a mother. 
It happened to someone I cared about very deeply -- she was one of my dearest friends. She was an amazing wife and mother to three small children. Her whole life was devoted to her family. She did everything "right" -- never smoked, never drank, exercised, ate right. She didn't have a mean or evil bone in her body. I don't think she was capable of thinking bad thoughts about anyone -- family, friend or stranger. She was my inspiration, she was someone I looked up to, she was someone I have always wanted to be like. She was an angel here on earth and then one day she found out she had cancer. She fought with everything she had, spent every moment she could with her children, tried to leave them each gifts of love for when she wasn't there. And one day God needed her in Heaven and the angels took her home.

So give me spiders and snakes and wobbly ladders and even tornadoes, but please don't take away the people I love -- my children -- or take me away from them.

That is my biggest fear. 


Tara said...

Heather... that was so powerful and matches my own fears but... you can add sharks to the list!:)
Thanks for sharing!

NancyJones said...

that is scary! I am a big snake hater myself and mice! spiders are creepy but dont bother me as bad as a snake I will hurt someone over a snake lolol